My name is Fifi Hazzouri, I am the Founder of Diabetes Alive, my journey with Diabetes started 34 years, on this journey I have had the joy of hearing all the good, bad and the ugly things about diabetes, I have also been fortunate and very grateful to have had the amazing and unconditional love and support not only from family but endocrinologist, diabetes educators, dietitians, podiatrist, ophthalmic surgeon, Cardiologist, Urologist, Neurologist you name it.
But it didn’t really hit home until March 20, 2012 when I had my first heart attack, not only did this shock me but it brought the reality of my disease to life, I guess I could say I thought I was invincible and lived my life like any other person, however I took a holiday from being a diabetic and it landed me in hot water.
After I had my first heart attack I had over whelming support and care from my fiancé, my family and all my loved ones, I had fantastic care and support from my cardiologist and his team and decided to take care of my health. I then went on doing all that I had to do to stay healthy and alive, I was then placed on a new medication schedule that didn’t just include injections, I now had to add 4 tablets to the current 5 injections and 6 blood tests daily, however the nightmare didn’t stop there, lightning strikes twice, I had my second heart attack, and this time it rocked me to the core.
I went on and had further heart surgery, however this time; I also suffered a stroke, after surgery. At this point I was left very disillusioned by what was going on, and didn’t believe there would be a way out, I had reached a point that was way beyond fear.
I was moved from the heart ward to level 5 in Concord Hospital, I knew this level was the Oncology ward, when I asked questions as to why I was being placed in the Cancer ward, I could see the fear in the eyes of everyone around me, no one could answer me with a straight answer.I decided to wait till they all left the room and I read my medical note, they had found a lump on my brain, and were not sure if it was a tumor that had caused the stroke.
At this point a numbness I still struggle to explain, rushed through my body, tears had flooded my eyes, and an immense heavy pain in my chest had hit me, all I could think of was how do I break this to my son, he had already witnessed me so many times rushed to hospital, passed out in front of him, having low sugars readings, high sugars, mood swings.
But these were all things I would bounce back from. This was something on a totally different scale, this was something that was something breaking my heart. As I sat there I decided to write a poem to express how I felt.
How do you tell a loved one that your life visa is just about expired,
How do you help prepare them for a life leaving?
When you yourself ae struggling to accept, prepare and say goodbye,
What last thing do you wish or want to taste,
Breathe, experience, feel when you realise every minute that leaves, is one minute closer to goodbye,
How do you think of what words to say to you child,
Words to cover experiences and milestones that you won’t be able to physically experience,
How do you say all those words.
Are there words to describe this crushing,
Chilling cold as ice moment of accepting your fate.
I have heard the cries and felt the aches that the still of the night brings in,
And I wish that if we had to walk this path,
That maybe its easier not knowing,
As every minute you live should be lived and consumed with happiness, love, joy and gratitude.
I spent two weeks in the Cancer ward and in that time, I was cleared of a brain tumour, and diagnosed with a clot on the brain.My endocrinologist, decided to place me on an insulin pump in 2013, as my kidneys were heading down the path of kidney failure. I was on a massive cocktail of tablets and was now diagnosed with Diabetic nephropathy with nephrotic range proteinuria.
My journey didn’t end there, I was once again stroked down with another heart attack in July 2014 and underwent further surgery, fortunately I am undertaking regular exercise and looking after myself.
Throughout this experience it gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my life, I questioned many things the main one was “why me and why has this happened” instead of becoming depressed about it all, I decided my journey was to work on providing support to other diabetics and working on my own organisation to help raise enough funds to find a cure.
Which has led me here today, I am very excited about the future and very confident that with the right support and just being around others who feel the same and can truly empathise with you that this in itself can help heal.